Now back to your regularly scheduled rant:
Let's talk politics for a minute. The following are my political views for the moment, completely and entirely expounded. Don't start threads in the comments and expect a response from me, because everything you need is right here and not tucked away in some unstable comment system. If you are easily offended, don't read this. If you read this entirely and become offended, you may for future reference consider yourself easily offended. Now, on to the War on Terrorism, and other observations.
Let's talk propaganda campaign. "Drug money supports terror." Sorry, kids, but passing around the joints behind the liquor store across the street from school is not helping out Osama in any way, shape, or form. This is because smoking weed and dropping ecstasy don't fund those fellas, so don't come talking to me until you're a heroin addict. Marijuana does not grow out in the sands of Terrorland, but poppy seeds do.
You want to know what really puts a few extra Franklins in the Al Qaida pocketbooks? Try "Oil money supports terror." Driving that gas-guzzling SUV and your second V8 BMW are letting the worst guns get into the worst of hands. Most Middle Eastern countries (the same ones who we say are harboring terrorists) get so rich from selling oil that they don't tax their own citizens at all. We, the United States of Automobiles, are the world's largest consumer of oil despite having less than a quarter of the population of China, the country at the top of the succession list for spots in the Axis of Evil. Very basic economic principles state that if we lower our own demand for oil, we will buy less oil, thus making those same �bad countries� less rich.
"But I need my SUV! haw!"
No, you don't. Shut the fuck up. You drive it alone 90 percent of the time, you never haul anything, and the sheer size of your car magnifies the slightest driving mistakes you make so that you put your "baby" in danger of getting scratched every time you look at your cell phone to see if anyone sent you any text messages while driving. "Seriously! I'm driving my kids around; if I get in a wreck would I rather have them in an SUV or a Civic? haw!"
Let's talk physics for a minute. Force is the derivative of momentum (mass * velocity), which means that force (in this case the force of a collision) is amplified with increased mass. If two SUVs collide, the sheer force involved is about four times that of a collision of a mid-size car with another mid-size (assuming an SUV weighs twice what a mid-size does). This makes the odds less of your children flying out the windshield or, god forbid, killing someone's kids who you don't even care about. So have a little heart and shut the fuck up, because there are better, less harmless things that make status symbols, like houses or TVs. Let�s talk conditions at home. Teachers are being given a tax break for paying to bring in their own supplies to school. Whatever happened to just fucking funding the school system and taking out the extra step? Average Joes are losing their jobs and so in response, Dubbya cuts dividend taxes. One small problem: average Joes don�t own enough stocks to actually profit from a lowered dividend tax, only extremely fucking rich people do. If Average Joe gets a $50 check in the mail for a split on his two shares of Microsoft stock, his $50 purchase of booze is not going to boost the economy. Sorry. So everyone gets jealous of the successful white men and everyone except for the whites play the race card. And on the Eighth Day, there was Affirmative Action. And it soon became evident that racial quotas are an extremely fucking stupid idea. So whites decided to play the race card, and our quotas were declared unconstitutional, and it was good; except not really, because after the concept was struck down ten years ago, quotas are still around and all the wrong kids are getting the best college educations. Dubbya is doing something right in shooting down Affirmative Action � after all the work I�ve been put through and all the time I wasted in high school not getting smashed like everyone else, I deserve a little bit of merit-based aid in paying for college tuition. And I�m sorry, but the fact that your grandparents 50 years ago were mistreated by whites does not mean that you deserve my spot in my school of choice despite my much, much higher test scores and proof of academic talent. You were given �opportunity� just like me � I simply used it better than you did, so shut up. Let�s talk some more about what Dubbya�s done right: ending frivolous lawsuits, especially in health care. I�m sorry, but the fact that your 96-year-old great-grandmother died does not warrant a malpractice lawsuit that further inflates the enormous, money-filled HMO balloon. I�m not a religious man, but when it�s your time, it�s your time. No further questioning necessary. Speaking of religion, let�s talk separation of church and state. Not as a concept, as a fact. Separation of Church and State. There, it exists on its own. It, in fact, does exist, so Baptists can shut the fuck up about abortion legislation violating God�s will. Catholics, you too can shut the fuck up, since I have a voter registration card to vote for the President and not for the Pope. If you want to follow the Pope, go to the Vatican and do so. I won�t hold it against you. By the way, I�m referring to abortion as only a political issue, since the moral issues of abortion aren�t going to be solved by any number of rants. �So what do you think of abortion, morally speaking? haw!�
If you really want to know, I think it should be allowed, but any woman having one done should be forced to look at what comes out of her to make her realize what potential she�s destroyed of her own accord. Oh, and it�s not like any ordinary woman will be able to wake up one morning and go have one done, because they�re expensive as hell under our grossly overinflated healthcare balloon. Not that any doctors will be doing them in 10 years � all the money being drained from the healthcare industry is going straight back to faith-based organizations. Fucking idiot doctors, quit bringing God into the picture and do your job. If I become a lawyer, it�s not my duty under God to keep poor Average Joe from being screwed by a cop abusing his power. It�s my job as a lawyer, so have a little respect for your fellow man and shut the fuck up. And someone plays the gender card � �fellow man AND woman! haw!� Referring to all people as the single �man� is still acceptable English, so shut the fuck up. And while we�re at it, the expression �him or her� or �he or she� to refer to a single person is way over-inflated. Three words to refer to a single object or person is overexertion, so if you take offense at it create a neuter word and let me say that. Until then, shut the fuck up, you (male) or you (female). Convince as many people as you want that abortion shouldn�t be done � but making it illegal will only leave us with underground abortion clinics. Remember the last time a moral conviction created a law? Try Prohibition. It created crime rings so notorious that they became popular culture. And alcohol still existed; it just sucked. If you thought the fear of terrorism was bad, just wait until we�re all living in fear of our own citizens starting the new wave of crime by secretly using a rusty coat hanger on Melissa�s third little bundle of joy. Speaking of fear, corporate influence on government is here to stay. It�s my theory that on an under-the-table level, Crayola sponsored our color-coded �terrorism threat meter� so that anyone with a kindergarten education can understand that they�re all out to get us, not just the full-grown adults reading USA Today on a sixth-grade reading level. We don�t know how, where, when, or even fucking why they�re going to attack us, but all signs are pointing to it happening regardless. So we protect ourselves using the Second Amendment right to bear arms. And we all buy guns to prove our might, because we all know that as a burglar breaks into your house and runs off with your ten-year-old daughter, you�ve got time to fish into the back of your closet, take out your gun case, put rounds inside your clip, load the clip and then go nail the guy who�s already done raping your daughter. (Despite that complication, dumb kids are incredibly efficient at accidentally killing one another with loaded guns). The Second Amendment was put in as a salute to John Locke, who wrote that if our government is inadequate then we can take action to replace said government � the right to bear arms makes it legal to start a revolution, and the First Amendment right to assemble makes it legal to let it happen. Compare that to a country where guns are banned. They still exist, much like abortion if it were banned, but on a smaller scale. Through the 1990s, the number of deaths by gun in the United States was about 1500 times what it was in England. The US only has about 4.5 times as many people, which makes for over 300 more deaths by gun per capita. It is in fact possible to be nonviolent. Does it suck to be one of the 14 people killed in England in 1991? Certainly, just as much as it sucks to be one of the 22,000 who were killed in the US in 1991. So stop whining, because sometimes new ways of thinking do actually work. Just like what was going on before the War on Terrorism. We had no reason to have North Korea or Iraq attack us during the 1990s; we were too busy in our splendid isolation enjoying the IPO of OrderCardboardBoxesOnTheWeb.com. People blame Clinton for not using the strong-arm on Iraq and every other country not in the Axis of Evil. Conservatives once again play with words, because Bush Sr. (the fella who started all this with reason enough) obviously messed enough shit up to not get re-elected after winning a goddamn war with resounding victory and efficiency. So somebody played the race card again. There�s a draft proposal that doesn�t defer college students, so I�m just as likely to go to the front lines as Useless Joe who�s sitting in the unemployment line. Pro-lifers, want to talk about wasted potential? Send me to the front lines. I dare you.
No, you don't. Shut the fuck up. You drive it alone 90 percent of the time, you never haul anything, and the sheer size of your car magnifies the slightest driving mistakes you make so that you put your "baby" in danger of getting scratched every time you look at your cell phone to see if anyone sent you any text messages while driving. "Seriously! I'm driving my kids around; if I get in a wreck would I rather have them in an SUV or a Civic? haw!"
Let's talk physics for a minute. Force is the derivative of momentum (mass * velocity), which means that force (in this case the force of a collision) is amplified with increased mass. If two SUVs collide, the sheer force involved is about four times that of a collision of a mid-size car with another mid-size (assuming an SUV weighs twice what a mid-size does). This makes the odds less of your children flying out the windshield or, god forbid, killing someone's kids who you don't even care about. So have a little heart and shut the fuck up, because there are better, less harmless things that make status symbols, like houses or TVs. Let�s talk conditions at home. Teachers are being given a tax break for paying to bring in their own supplies to school. Whatever happened to just fucking funding the school system and taking out the extra step? Average Joes are losing their jobs and so in response, Dubbya cuts dividend taxes. One small problem: average Joes don�t own enough stocks to actually profit from a lowered dividend tax, only extremely fucking rich people do. If Average Joe gets a $50 check in the mail for a split on his two shares of Microsoft stock, his $50 purchase of booze is not going to boost the economy. Sorry. So everyone gets jealous of the successful white men and everyone except for the whites play the race card. And on the Eighth Day, there was Affirmative Action. And it soon became evident that racial quotas are an extremely fucking stupid idea. So whites decided to play the race card, and our quotas were declared unconstitutional, and it was good; except not really, because after the concept was struck down ten years ago, quotas are still around and all the wrong kids are getting the best college educations. Dubbya is doing something right in shooting down Affirmative Action � after all the work I�ve been put through and all the time I wasted in high school not getting smashed like everyone else, I deserve a little bit of merit-based aid in paying for college tuition. And I�m sorry, but the fact that your grandparents 50 years ago were mistreated by whites does not mean that you deserve my spot in my school of choice despite my much, much higher test scores and proof of academic talent. You were given �opportunity� just like me � I simply used it better than you did, so shut up. Let�s talk some more about what Dubbya�s done right: ending frivolous lawsuits, especially in health care. I�m sorry, but the fact that your 96-year-old great-grandmother died does not warrant a malpractice lawsuit that further inflates the enormous, money-filled HMO balloon. I�m not a religious man, but when it�s your time, it�s your time. No further questioning necessary. Speaking of religion, let�s talk separation of church and state. Not as a concept, as a fact. Separation of Church and State. There, it exists on its own. It, in fact, does exist, so Baptists can shut the fuck up about abortion legislation violating God�s will. Catholics, you too can shut the fuck up, since I have a voter registration card to vote for the President and not for the Pope. If you want to follow the Pope, go to the Vatican and do so. I won�t hold it against you. By the way, I�m referring to abortion as only a political issue, since the moral issues of abortion aren�t going to be solved by any number of rants. �So what do you think of abortion, morally speaking? haw!�
If you really want to know, I think it should be allowed, but any woman having one done should be forced to look at what comes out of her to make her realize what potential she�s destroyed of her own accord. Oh, and it�s not like any ordinary woman will be able to wake up one morning and go have one done, because they�re expensive as hell under our grossly overinflated healthcare balloon. Not that any doctors will be doing them in 10 years � all the money being drained from the healthcare industry is going straight back to faith-based organizations. Fucking idiot doctors, quit bringing God into the picture and do your job. If I become a lawyer, it�s not my duty under God to keep poor Average Joe from being screwed by a cop abusing his power. It�s my job as a lawyer, so have a little respect for your fellow man and shut the fuck up. And someone plays the gender card � �fellow man AND woman! haw!� Referring to all people as the single �man� is still acceptable English, so shut the fuck up. And while we�re at it, the expression �him or her� or �he or she� to refer to a single person is way over-inflated. Three words to refer to a single object or person is overexertion, so if you take offense at it create a neuter word and let me say that. Until then, shut the fuck up, you (male) or you (female). Convince as many people as you want that abortion shouldn�t be done � but making it illegal will only leave us with underground abortion clinics. Remember the last time a moral conviction created a law? Try Prohibition. It created crime rings so notorious that they became popular culture. And alcohol still existed; it just sucked. If you thought the fear of terrorism was bad, just wait until we�re all living in fear of our own citizens starting the new wave of crime by secretly using a rusty coat hanger on Melissa�s third little bundle of joy. Speaking of fear, corporate influence on government is here to stay. It�s my theory that on an under-the-table level, Crayola sponsored our color-coded �terrorism threat meter� so that anyone with a kindergarten education can understand that they�re all out to get us, not just the full-grown adults reading USA Today on a sixth-grade reading level. We don�t know how, where, when, or even fucking why they�re going to attack us, but all signs are pointing to it happening regardless. So we protect ourselves using the Second Amendment right to bear arms. And we all buy guns to prove our might, because we all know that as a burglar breaks into your house and runs off with your ten-year-old daughter, you�ve got time to fish into the back of your closet, take out your gun case, put rounds inside your clip, load the clip and then go nail the guy who�s already done raping your daughter. (Despite that complication, dumb kids are incredibly efficient at accidentally killing one another with loaded guns). The Second Amendment was put in as a salute to John Locke, who wrote that if our government is inadequate then we can take action to replace said government � the right to bear arms makes it legal to start a revolution, and the First Amendment right to assemble makes it legal to let it happen. Compare that to a country where guns are banned. They still exist, much like abortion if it were banned, but on a smaller scale. Through the 1990s, the number of deaths by gun in the United States was about 1500 times what it was in England. The US only has about 4.5 times as many people, which makes for over 300 more deaths by gun per capita. It is in fact possible to be nonviolent. Does it suck to be one of the 14 people killed in England in 1991? Certainly, just as much as it sucks to be one of the 22,000 who were killed in the US in 1991. So stop whining, because sometimes new ways of thinking do actually work. Just like what was going on before the War on Terrorism. We had no reason to have North Korea or Iraq attack us during the 1990s; we were too busy in our splendid isolation enjoying the IPO of OrderCardboardBoxesOnTheWeb.com. People blame Clinton for not using the strong-arm on Iraq and every other country not in the Axis of Evil. Conservatives once again play with words, because Bush Sr. (the fella who started all this with reason enough) obviously messed enough shit up to not get re-elected after winning a goddamn war with resounding victory and efficiency. So somebody played the race card again. There�s a draft proposal that doesn�t defer college students, so I�m just as likely to go to the front lines as Useless Joe who�s sitting in the unemployment line. Pro-lifers, want to talk about wasted potential? Send me to the front lines. I dare you.