Dear West Coast...

[this post is best read to the tune of Ice Cube's "Today Was A Good Day"]

So here I am in sunny San Diego,
Thinkin' 'bout when I'll be on that payroll

And here every other car's a Ferrari
It makes you start thinkin' that money's so godly

And you'd be forgiven to think
That life's just bling and bitches and weed

So please don't shoot me ('cause your gangstas are hard)
But your coast's own hip-hop is really sub-par.

Happy Birthday, Zelda

It's the tenth anniversary of The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time, largely regarded by true gamers as the Greatest Game of All Time.

I'm among that crowd. It's a triumph of creativity, storytelling, passion and can't-put-it-down gameplay. In terms of the grin it plasters on your face, it's the videogame equivalent of Wall-E.

If you haven't played it and you want to, give me a shout because I'll buy it for you. I'm not joking. I will set you up.

In the meantime, enjoy this little bit of my childhood, chopped and screwed by a clever YouTube user. Sheer hilarity.

Happy birthday, Zelda.


[There is a link to this YouTube video, for those reading by RSS]

Wait, I interviewed with Square Enix?

Last weekend in Tokyo was the JET Program Job Fair, an exercise in rounding up 300 socially awkward JET members in front 30 of the sleaziest people I've ever seen in Japan, promising employment to people desperate to stay in Japan for whatever reason.

Why did I go? Good question. Curiosity, I guess. Hint for future JET participants: don't go.

Square Enix was the only game company on hand, and I sat down at their booth to ask a question; something along the lines of, "Do you have openings in marketing? Do you do events?" This turned into a short conversation, which turned disdainful once my Square rep learned that I had only played Final Fantasy X. (Although in retrospect, I have also played 7, 8, 12, parts of Chrono Trigger and Super Mario RPG, but they didn't exactly spring to mind.)

Today I received a lovely little email from somebody in Square HR. Turns out I had interviewed with them and not known it. And been turned down for "a job" at Square. What job that would have been, I have no clue. While I generally disagree with posting private conversations or emails, this is just too good to pass up.

Dear Blake Ellison-san

Thank you for visiting the booth of SQUARE ENIX. in the finding JET employment fair for the other day.

Result of in-house examination,it became no interview to you as the next step.

I am very sorry for not rewarding your apply.

But,we are very pleased with your interest to SQUARE ENIX.

We hope that you get job worth doing.

Thank you.

SQUARE ENIX Co.,Ltd.

A political post (with a touch of class)

In the 2004 election, I was a mad crazy hyperblogger sent from outer space to convince college campuses everywhere that everything the Republicans said was a lie, and you should STFU and vote Kerry because he wasn't part of that collective.

I stand by my statements, but this time I'm a bit more relaxed, if only because the media circus is mostly on my side this time. So this time, I'm going to focus on one tee-tiny thing Bush screwed up on:

Holidays.

Bush proclaimed Jesus Day to be sometime in the spring, like March or somewhere around there. Patriot Day was proclaimed on 9/11 to rouse our support in the War on Eurasia (or was it Eastasia?). In both cases, Bush made a vital flaw in his calculations.

In the case of Jesus Day, he neglected that Jesus Day already exists and is big enough to determine the fate of the American economy over the course of an entire fiscal year.

In the case of Patriot Day, he failed to realize that war cannot be declared on nouns.

Once elected president, I promise to rectify these missteps by proclaiming truly amazing holidays. No, no Pirate Day, no Ninja Day. Those who wish to pursue Pirate/Ninja Day or any variant thereof should go back to watching Napoleon Dynamite for the 90th time and continue to call their friends "broheim." I'll loan you my copy of Superbad if you just go away.

Anyway. At the start of my epiphany, I was thinking we needed to give American holidays a touch of class. Enough days related to war, the military, or Christianity. We need something that's unabashedly American in the unhealthy-but-can't-resist kind of way. Like Miles Davis Day. That's just the kind of inspirational character America needs - genius, did great things, but flawed.

"Wait," said the other half of my near-schizophrenic inner monologue. "Didn't Miles Davis like, severely beat his women?"

Well, that won't do. We're going for class here, and beating your lady is just not gentlemanly. One of those flaws that won't play out well in the political world.

So, we're on to Coltrane. Like Miles, he was a genius, did great things, and was a flawed man - and, as a bonus for the super Christians, he found God! So they can enjoy that, and the rest of us can appreciate the whole body of Coltrane's work and contributions to culture and we can make a new holiday tradition out of drinking scotch on the rocks in dark rooms filled with that bittersweet alto sax sound.